It's time to let it go, head out and start again.

1:30 PM

Considering how I started the year and how it's going to end, this year has been one hella ride. I've hit rock bottom a couple of times, only to feel the happiest before screwing myself over again. I picked up some bad habits, but I'm already putting a stop to them and that's way earlier than the time I expected to halt them.

I thought that 2015 was going to end off on a pretty bad note with all the events that had happened, but it turns out that October was really quite the game changer. Ever since my return from New Zealand, I've gained new eyes and learnt to widen my perspectives. I've been putting myself out there to know more people ever since, be it through social events or just drinking nights.

2015 has been more than just fruitful. For one, it is the year I started traveling and it really did satiate my constant need to seek for exploration and adventure. I'd say I only started traveling this year because there's a difference between traveling and a vacation.

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To travel is an experience where you put yourself out there for the amazing and the not-so pleasant moments. It's getting lost, figuring out bus and train routes, communicating with locals in their language, exchanging stories with other travelers, practising their culture during your stay, trying to work your money to it's maximum worth, having your stuff stolen/lost and picking yourself up when you hit the dirt.

I'd say that my very first self-funded and planned trip to Japan with Trisha would be a mix of both travel and vacation since we were always up for exploration and chatting with the locals. We got lost a lot though. New Zealand, however, made me understand what it really means to travel as I backpacked solo for the first time.
I can still remember when I was all nerves at the airport for both trips, because they were my firsts and there's just so much I didn't know since I've never traveled to either countries. But I came back feeling pretty exhilarated and empowered by it all and omg I cannot wait to make more travel plans after graduation!! Inbetween, there was also a pretty ratchet vacation to malacca where we practically spent every night drunk lel.

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In terms of my portfolio, it's also the year where I got to work with Ohvola and that time with the lovely bosses was really an eyeopener for me. I've learnt so many new things and got to experience events, equipments and projects that I never would've even been exposed to if it were not for the time I was interning as their graphic designer of sorts. Being able to produce promotional videos, do their studio shoots and help design collaterals for a label as recognized as theirs was really one of my biggest highlights!!
I also got to shoot for Ellysage day, and film Influence Asia. During my internship in school, I also got to design some posters and code a website. It's basically fiddling with Photoshop, Dreamweaver and Illustrator all day, and the biggest project was probably FMS wall! The sticker was put up like yesterday but I'll blog about in another separate post soon since!! It deserves its own post considering how long I spent working on it hahaha.

The only setback I had was having to retake one module because of my attendance, hence why I had to intern in school. Okay that and maybe my declining GPA lel.
But otherwise, 2015 has been quite an achieving year for me.

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I went through a breakup that I never saw coming, and it was one of the darkest moments of my life that I'd never want to revisit. There were so many nights I spent just drunk shitless and I picked up so many bad habits. I really did lost myself back then and it's been painful, but I'm glad that I've already made this much progress at moving on. I made the conscious effort everyday to decide that life would be better, and then one day, the fact that he isn't here isn't the first thing I thought of anymore.
He has someone else now, and I'm in the midst of sorting out my feelings before involving anyone else. Maybe it sounds a little superficial to say this, but I'm genuinely happy that he's happy and in a better place. Back then, we were both trying to find out what we want, and I was part of his journey like he was a part of mine. I will hold the 28 months close to heart, but it's the past and that's all there ever is to it. For the mistakes we've both made, I have forgiven and decided to let it all go. I hope it's the same for him. To the people who've been wondering how I feel about it, this are my heartfelt thoughts.

Honestly, I didn't think 2015 was going to end on an emotionally positive note. But I'm really blessed to have the support of my friends and family who would always be there for me to cry shamelessly to and keep me company on the nights that were too hard to bear. They always held me tight through the bad months and if that isn't unconditional love, I don't know what is.
Their presence together with my NZ travel and achievements for my portfolio helped me develop a strength and self-awareness I thought I lost in the time I've grown dependent on him to be happy. I guess this is the personal growth he used to speak to me about, and I'm glad I finally knew my self-worth, even if it's through a lesson as painful as this.

A few months after the breakup, I also met different individuals who somehow, helped me on my road to heal. All of these were pretty unexpected encounters with the most bizarre stories, but having my path cross with theirs must really be fate, and some sort of luck maybe. It kinds of surprises me how close we've become in just a few months. 

Yes, I've lost him and maybe a friend or two who I never wanted to lose. But you can't force people to stay if they never wanted to. For new friends and those who made the decision to stick with me through it all, I've learnt to treasure them better and not take them for granted. There's just something beautiful about dancing and laughing with your best friends at midnight, and I won't give that up. Those are the relationships that will last.

I will always be something to the people who put me in their hearts, even when those who left decided that they no longer wanted me to be in theirs. But as much as I hate to admit it, I guess a part of me will always be with the people I used to love. We live in a world were permanence cease to exist - people change and feelings don't last forever. But some things, places and words said will always remind me of the time I've spent with them, be it in smiles or tears, and I don't think that that will ever change.

Thank you, for the memories.

It feels like 2015 was out to kill me with all that went on but, 2016 is probably going to be a time of relatively great change, since it's poly graduation and moving on to the next phase in life.
I have so many plans for the year ahead, and I hope to strive towards them without anything holding me back this time. Maybe it's not the most orthodox path to take, but I'm confident that this is what I really want! This time, I will set my priorities straight.

Here's to a better year ahead! Happy New Year's Eve everybody. :)

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