Something about it felt like home somehow.

2:16 PM

Last night was a pretty bad night.

It's been a while since I last felt so emotional. I've always been trying to repress all the negative emotions, but facing it head on now feels like I may have confronted some of the demons I spent months running away from.

Looking back, everything at that in point of time is true in all its entirety, and I hate myself for thinking that they might have just been lies because I was so affected by the bitter end. I kept making myself out to be the victim, when really, I wasn't. He gave me everything he had, did everything he could, even if it meant losing and sacrificing himself in the process.

But I forgot all of it every single time I felt in pain. That’s problem with me - I could never be happy enough. The problem doesn’t lie with him. He was perfect to me in every aspect but he doesn’t realise that and my discontentment eventually comes to the point where he feels like he is never good enough. But he doesn’t know how much he fills up all of my broken parts and empty spaces to keep me together. Yet, when he needed me the most, all I drowned in was my own pain instead of tending to his.

He always made me feel like I was queen all these while and yet, I never once made him feel like he was king. Even when we were falling apart, he was the one who tried to hold things together when it mattered most, while I only started to fix things when it was far too late. I always said I never had the answers to how it all ended, but I do. I just refused to face the truth this whole time. It was never him, it was always me. Even with the way things ended, it was me.


But all that was in the due past, and I'm not going to start despairing over 'what if's or 'what could have been's anymore. I have come to terms with it, and all I genuinely wish for right now is for him to be at a happier place, because he's always going to be cut out for far greater things, and I know that he will always be surrounded by people who will continue to treasure him for the honest person that he is. It's not like he reads my blog, and my point to blogging this is never to hope that it will reach him or to gain sympathy from others. I just find comfort in writing, and at such a crossroad in my life, I thought I should really document my thoughts since it's something I can look back on years down the road. It is also a reminder to self. And plus, this writing habit of mine is something he is familiar and fine with since I've been doing it for as long as I can remember.

Besides, I do have people around me that do care about me, the people who would deal with whatever shit I have, and I guess that is more than enough for me to keep trying. Sometimes, I put them into shit because of my own sorry depressive mess but thank you guys, for always being here. I can't thank you all enough and I'm sorry if I ever let my emotional state affect us. Like Arif said, "There's so many people waiting for you at the top of the well when you're down there and they are trying to pull you up." Really comforting words from him as usual haha.

I guess this is a break between my New Zealand posts. It's just an update of how things have been on the more emotional level, but I still am enjoying all the afternoon dates and crazy nights with the buds. Just last Saturday, I met up with all the best pals and some new friends for some drinks (wew I love my jagerbomb still heh) and chill sess, and then the Sunday catching Inside out with Arif (which was a pretty good show actually) after spending the afternoon with my girls (Miao Lin and Trisha) since they crashed at my place after the long Saturday night. It's been intern for the weekdays and now, it's the weekends omg!!
I'll be heading over to Trisha's place for a sleepover tonight, so I'm pretty stoked for the night of gaming to come. Yeah, that's what we do when we have a sleepover.... LOL.

Till my next NZ post, x.

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