We will keep this love in photographs, the memories we made for ourselves.

9:31 PM

I remember the first like it was just yesterday.

It was the kind of love you think would never go away, until it does. Maybe it's still there for us, silenced with "it didn't work out", not here, not now.

The future, perhaps. Now, it's the time of trying to pick ourselves up, to fix the broken parts. Because the people you love, you always will, and I remember saying that I will fight forever to keep this. Everything I said, every ink spilled on the pages you've read here, every word I meant.

I've been having dreams of us still spending time together, and it hurts knowing that my heart and mind still can't register the present truth.

Please don't think that I'm trying to romanticise my heartbreak. The reason compelling me to write is to remind myself that I'm still breathing, to have the heartache prove that I'm still feeling, that I'm not just some living dead person numb to what had been.


You have been parts of me for the past 28 months, so how am I supposed to let go of these parts that complete me as a person? I know that I have to move on, eventually. And I am trying. But somehow someway, 'us' will always find its way back to haunt me.

Just yesterday, I thought about how I wanted to bring you to try the chilli noodle near my workplace, but then remembered that that will no longer happen. During one of my late night runs, I ran along the road that we always took, and I remember all the stupid smiles and jokes we shared along this very same path when you sent me home on the nights too late for buses.
I remember the short dances, the songs we sang like it was ours to call, and the random piggy bag sprints. When I'm at a photoshoot doing great work, I'll always get so excited to tell you all about it, until I realise that there's no longer any need for me to update you on what I'm doing or my life, or for you to tell me what's happening to yours. And it feels empty every morning and night, without receiving or having someone to say good night or morning to. I will always, always miss your calls to me at night before we went to sleep.
When I see you online, I will always recall our steam chats and the nights when I first got into dota, and how patient you and your friends were as you taught me the ropes. Who would have thought that I would get hooked onto this game more than you?
During my family reunions lately, everyone's been asking about you. I'm pretty sure I told you this before, but all my aunts really like you. And my grandma always adored your conversations with her, because among all her other grandchildren in our generation, you're the only one who actually speaks to her in dialect and that always felt closer to heart. There will no longer be dinners at your place, no more stay overs at each other's. No more baking sessions, no more scratching your back pimples, or having you be my snot wiper. I will miss your stupid puns that are not even funny, and god damn it I never thought I'll miss your endless grandmother nagging that is even worse than my dad's.
I'll miss the food trips, the random bus ventures where we headed nowhere, and how you were always so fascinated with photography or my floral wreath making. For me, you always tried your best to learn and be keen in everything you didn't know, and that will always be something I am thankful for. I'll miss hanging out with your friends even though I'm just quiet most of the time, but I really loved listening to your conversations with them. I'll miss our stupid debates, the kind that got us so heated but have us laugh it all off when we realise how stubborn and headstrong we were getting.
I'm sorry I always made things hard for you, but I'll always remember that time you came down with an umbrella just to send me home through the downpour when I was only a 10 minute walk away from my place. I still remember the time you woke up early morning just to hand me a calculator for my exam, and the night you rushed all the way down to my place cause I was having a panic attack before camp, no questions asked. No matter how angry or anxious or upset I was about anything, you always had this ability to calm me down back to my rational self, and that is something I will always be grateful for.
I'll miss you turning ball mode on me, your pouting face, your smile, the way your hair stands when you just wake up, your really warm hugs, your dimples, the way you pat my head or play with my hair, your ridiculous octopus face and I swear I could keep the list going on till morning.


I miss everything about us.

And yet.

These are the things I have to let go.

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