Sometimes, I look back at the old me and find myself so laughable. I was always wearing my heart on my sleeve, and while I didn't have a negative outlook towards my life, I was often wallowing in self pity, wondering why I was feeling the way I did without physically trying to fix it. When things don't work out the way I want them to, I never stopped to question if it was my way of doing - I just needed to find something or someone to blame.

Maybe some traits haven't exactly gone, I can get quite defensive sometimes. But in these two years, I've seen myself change more than I thought was possible. I'm not sure if it's because travelling helped me to be more in tune with myself, or if it's because I've hit rock bottom a few times back then and had no way to go but up.

Am I ashamed of my past? Maybe, sometimes. Do I regret some of the mistakes I made? Yeah, sadly I do. I would like to stop myself from committing some mistakes and take back some of the words I've said that still leave a bitter aftertaste on my tongue.

But most of all, I wish I had laughed and focused on myself more.

In the times when life was fine, not particularly interesting and a little boring, I could have appreciated those moments more. Now that I look back on those days, what I had wasn't so bad. Why was I always unhealthily harping on the things that I did not have? Why didn't I see what's before me? It's only after I hit rock bottom did my view of the world change, and I focused on what's left that mattered most to me.

It's easy to lose sight of the things you have when they are always within your reach. But when you remind yourself about the times you've lost, the battles you've fought and the things you've gained from then on, I think it serves as a great reminder to always be appreciative, and a great encouragement to know that bad times don't last. You haven't lost your passion, you still have choices, and you have or may meet people that love you. I made mistakes and have regrets, that's okay. In retrospect, those life lessons sorted me out.

What you don't have isn't the reason why you're miserable. It's your choice to see if the glass is half empty or half full.

That doesn't make it so difficult to be happy with the life you have and yourself, does it?

Disclaimer: this is a note to self (this post came about as a result of the recent events in my life and the friends who are going through a difficult time)

Remember all the pain that you’ve been through before. Remember all the lessons you’ve learnt, remember the mistakes you’ve made, remember the things you’ve taken for granted.

Those are the things that make you the way you are today, and you're no longer the same person as when you were still naive at fifteen.

You're stronger, you've learnt to be more accepting of come what may, and you now know the importance of appreciating the things that you do have instead of the things you've allowed to slip through your fingers.

There was a time when all you wanted was to be wanted, and you might have gone out of your way for some people who you realised weren't around to stay for the long run. Maybe you built some of your dreams of the future with them too. But remember, these people who left, they have the right to make their own choices too, even if it doesn't involve you.

But what about those who chose to stay? Think about those who choose to put you in their hearts even at the times when you're not really worth loving.

It's easy to hate on the people who take your kindness for weakness, but don't. You have a lot more love to give to the ones who really deserve it. And when you do come across toxic people, cut them off from your life if you have to, because the ones who really love you will never make your life difficult without reason.

There will be a time when you'll feel like you're drowning, and you're going to think that maybe you won't survive the storm. But in time, you're going to realise that you have bigger dreams, and for the scars that don't go, they are proof that you did indeed pull through, like that scabbed knee you got as a child when you first learnt how to cycle.

You're not always going to believe in yourself, but you just have to damn well make it seem like you do. Like a misshapen slab of iron, you’ve come out of the fire, shining and razor sharp. So don't give your ghosts the power to put out that spark that you're reigniting, because darling, you’re still growing and you’ll always be capable of so much more.

How do you know if you're over someone?

I guess it’s when you stop hoping for a text message from them wishing you good morning or night. It’s when you stop seeing vivid memories at the places you once went with them, the times when the both of you felt so invincible. It’s when you stop holding onto all the promises they said, only to never keep them. It’s when you stop going to sleep with the clothes they left from the last stay over, hopelessly holding onto whatever lingering scent they had left.

You start to feel nothing when you hear the song you both always sang to on the radio. Your tears don’t fall when you look at the faded pictures you’ve taken together, the ones with the most foolish smiles on your faces. Your heart no longer aches at the mention of their name, and you can finally talk about them without your voice breaking. You no longer miss the taste of their lips, or how their arms feel like wrapped around you. You stop associating them with the feeling of home.

Instead, you learn to love yourself a little more. You learn to smile even when they're no longer the reason for you to do so, and you learn to always appreciate what you have since the time they have gone and left. You learn to make a home within yourself, because you now know that people can’t complete you.

So have you gotten over them yet?

No, probably not. Not yet. Maybe you won’t ever truly get over the people you once loved. It’s going to take time, and there’s no rush for you to get there, so be at your own pace. There will be a time when you're happy and they're happy, leading your own lives and growing separately, like tangent lines that meet once and then never again. You'll be grateful for all the memories shared and the lessons learnt, no matter how painful or brutal. You’re going to miss them on some of your bad nights - we all do towards the people who once meant the world to us. And that's okay. You’re almost there, darling. 

You're almost there.

I wonder, at some point in time, did I start to suffocate you? And when you left, did you feel like you could finally breathe fresh air? You were my sun, my moon and all of my stars. But I was just toxic, and if I did things differently, do you think I could save you from my poison somehow?

I remember the first like it was just yesterday.

It was the kind of love you think would never go away, until it does. Maybe it's still there for us, silenced with "it didn't work out", not here, not now.

The future, perhaps. Now, it's the time of trying to pick ourselves up, to fix the broken parts. Because the people you love, you always will, and I remember saying that I will fight forever to keep this. Everything I said, every ink spilled on the pages you've read here, every word I meant.

I've been having dreams of us still spending time together, and it hurts knowing that my heart and mind still can't register the present truth.

Please don't think that I'm trying to romanticise my heartbreak. The reason compelling me to write is to remind myself that I'm still breathing, to have the heartache prove that I'm still feeling, that I'm not just some living dead person numb to what had been.
You have been parts of me for the past 28 months, so how am I supposed to let go of these parts that complete me as a person? I know that I have to move on, eventually. And I am trying. But somehow someway, 'us' will always find its way back to haunt me.

Just yesterday, I thought about how I wanted to bring you to try the chilli noodle near my workplace, but then remembered that that will no longer happen. During one of my late night runs, I ran along the road that we always took, and I remember all the stupid smiles and jokes we shared along this very same path when you sent me home on the nights too late for buses.
I remember the short dances, the songs we sang like it was ours to call, and the random piggy bag sprints. When I'm at a photoshoot doing great work, I'll always get so excited to tell you all about it, until I realise that there's no longer any need for me to update you on what I'm doing or my life, or for you to tell me what's happening to yours. And it feels empty every morning and night, without receiving or having someone to say good night or morning to. I will always, always miss your calls to me at night before we went to sleep.
When I see you online, I will always recall our steam chats and the nights when I first got into dota, and how patient you and your friends were as you taught me the ropes. Who would have thought that I would get hooked onto this game more than you?
During my family reunions lately, everyone's been asking about you. I'm pretty sure I told you this before, but all my aunts really like you. And my grandma always adored your conversations with her, because among all her other grandchildren in our generation, you're the only one who actually speaks to her in dialect and that always felt closer to heart. There will no longer be dinners at your place, no more stay overs at each other's. No more baking sessions, no more scratching your back pimples, or having you be my snot wiper. I will miss your stupid puns that are not even funny, and god damn it I never thought I'll miss your endless grandmother nagging that is even worse than my dad's.
I'll miss the food trips, the random bus ventures where we headed nowhere, and how you were always so fascinated with photography or my floral wreath making. For me, you always tried your best to learn and be keen in everything you didn't know, and that will always be something I am thankful for. I'll miss hanging out with your friends even though I'm just quiet most of the time, but I really loved listening to your conversations with them. I'll miss our stupid debates, the kind that got us so heated but have us laugh it all off when we realise how stubborn and headstrong we were getting.
I'm sorry I always made things hard for you, but I'll always remember that time you came down with an umbrella just to send me home through the downpour when I was only a 10 minute walk away from my place. I still remember the time you woke up early morning just to hand me a calculator for my exam, and the night you rushed all the way down to my place cause I was having a panic attack before camp, no questions asked. No matter how angry or anxious or upset I was about anything, you always had this ability to calm me down back to my rational self, and that is something I will always be grateful for.
I'll miss you turning ball mode on me, your pouting face, your smile, the way your hair stands when you just wake up, your really warm hugs, your dimples, the way you pat my head or play with my hair, your ridiculous octopus face and I swear I could keep the list going on till morning.


I miss everything about us.

And yet.

These are the things I have to let go.