Pretty much the past few days summed up in pictures, though they aren't exactly the best representation of how I spent my time...

I've been spending most of my time catching up with acquaintances and close friends alike, and together with work, it's been quite the busy and fruitful week. Honestly, this tough time is only better because of the people that's been keeping me company and I cannot ask for more. I also just got another photo project offered (omg how even but I'm so excited??) and it's been busy at the ohvola office with event planning, photoshoots and all, so less time for mindless thoughts haha. I'm also on ohvola's blog HAHAH but naw it's just some very feel-y ootd shots without my face lolz.

On a side note, it's about 7 more weeks to the end of the semester and I really can't wait for school to be over. Internship follows right after, but there's gonna be a two week break before that and I've been having some crazy yolo plans on how to make the best of it. Hopefully, nothing will come in between this little adventure of mine.

I realised I haven't been posting much pictures. I've been heading out on a couple of food trips lately but I've forgotten to bring my camera along with me every single time. How??? Which reminds me I really need to get my Japan film rolls developed lol.

Okay it's been a pretty messy post with very jumbled up thoughts. For the coming weekend and next, there's so much happening I'm really stoked!! It's the perfect time for me to get into the loop of doing the things I really love, and to work harder on building my portfolio. Guess I'm always gonna be this work-driven person...

So many upcoming events that I can't wait to update this space with. Till then x.

I remember the first like it was just yesterday.

It was the kind of love you think would never go away, until it does. Maybe it's still there for us, silenced with "it didn't work out", not here, not now.

The future, perhaps. Now, it's the time of trying to pick ourselves up, to fix the broken parts. Because the people you love, you always will, and I remember saying that I will fight forever to keep this. Everything I said, every ink spilled on the pages you've read here, every word I meant.

I've been having dreams of us still spending time together, and it hurts knowing that my heart and mind still can't register the present truth.

Please don't think that I'm trying to romanticise my heartbreak. The reason compelling me to write is to remind myself that I'm still breathing, to have the heartache prove that I'm still feeling, that I'm not just some living dead person numb to what had been.
You have been parts of me for the past 28 months, so how am I supposed to let go of these parts that complete me as a person? I know that I have to move on, eventually. And I am trying. But somehow someway, 'us' will always find its way back to haunt me.

Just yesterday, I thought about how I wanted to bring you to try the chilli noodle near my workplace, but then remembered that that will no longer happen. During one of my late night runs, I ran along the road that we always took, and I remember all the stupid smiles and jokes we shared along this very same path when you sent me home on the nights too late for buses.
I remember the short dances, the songs we sang like it was ours to call, and the random piggy bag sprints. When I'm at a photoshoot doing great work, I'll always get so excited to tell you all about it, until I realise that there's no longer any need for me to update you on what I'm doing or my life, or for you to tell me what's happening to yours. And it feels empty every morning and night, without receiving or having someone to say good night or morning to. I will always, always miss your calls to me at night before we went to sleep.
When I see you online, I will always recall our steam chats and the nights when I first got into dota, and how patient you and your friends were as you taught me the ropes. Who would have thought that I would get hooked onto this game more than you?
During my family reunions lately, everyone's been asking about you. I'm pretty sure I told you this before, but all my aunts really like you. And my grandma always adored your conversations with her, because among all her other grandchildren in our generation, you're the only one who actually speaks to her in dialect and that always felt closer to heart. There will no longer be dinners at your place, no more stay overs at each other's. No more baking sessions, no more scratching your back pimples, or having you be my snot wiper. I will miss your stupid puns that are not even funny, and god damn it I never thought I'll miss your endless grandmother nagging that is even worse than my dad's.
I'll miss the food trips, the random bus ventures where we headed nowhere, and how you were always so fascinated with photography or my floral wreath making. For me, you always tried your best to learn and be keen in everything you didn't know, and that will always be something I am thankful for. I'll miss hanging out with your friends even though I'm just quiet most of the time, but I really loved listening to your conversations with them. I'll miss our stupid debates, the kind that got us so heated but have us laugh it all off when we realise how stubborn and headstrong we were getting.
I'm sorry I always made things hard for you, but I'll always remember that time you came down with an umbrella just to send me home through the downpour when I was only a 10 minute walk away from my place. I still remember the time you woke up early morning just to hand me a calculator for my exam, and the night you rushed all the way down to my place cause I was having a panic attack before camp, no questions asked. No matter how angry or anxious or upset I was about anything, you always had this ability to calm me down back to my rational self, and that is something I will always be grateful for.
I'll miss you turning ball mode on me, your pouting face, your smile, the way your hair stands when you just wake up, your really warm hugs, your dimples, the way you pat my head or play with my hair, your ridiculous octopus face and I swear I could keep the list going on till morning.


I miss everything about us.

And yet.

These are the things I have to let go.

I can now kind of understand the whole idea behind Avril Lavigne's Goodbye Lullaby album. There are no songs more apt to lull me to sleep lately. I've been insomniac for weeks, and her songs always get to me.

I told myself to keep my depression off the blog, but I guess parts of me have shattered and I no longer have an idea on where to start picking up the pieces. Yesterday was probably the worst I have ever been in the past 19 years of my life, and yet, it was also the day I finally believed that I was worth more than I told and made myself to be.

Best friends who will see you through your worst, they're really hard to come by. And in this time of trying and falling, I can never be more thankful for the people I have in my life. I'm sorry for scaring you guys shitless, making y'all have to drop every shit and go through hell just to get to me. I am so so sorry, and so grateful. I promise to be a better friend, but I'm sorry things have to turn out like this for me to realise. Thank you Ziman, Zhiyi, Kelvin and Brandon for always dealing with my bullshit, and being there for me through thick and thin. I really really love you guys.


I'm trying to find my answers and kick the bad habits. I know I'm a mess and I want to start picking things little by little but I don't even know where to start. I never wanted to start or bounce back to where I was before. To the friends I've troubled and hurt, I'm really sorry.

I've decided to recover, and that means trying to save myself, and making that conscious decision multiple times a day. This is a note to self to take things day by day, to try and make the best out of everything that I do have, and focus less on the things that have slipped past my fingers, too faint to materialise and too fine to hold.

"When I tried to forget you, I just keep on remembering what we had - it was so true - but somehow we lost everything."

But they say the hardest part is letting go. I let you go, but that doesn't mean I wanted to.

I found someone who made me realise home is not a place but a feeling, someone who taught me that time is not measured by a clock but moments, and someone who made me understand that heartbeats are not heard, but felt. There is no remedy for the memories we shared, and that is what's killing me the most.

But those who we truly love, we always will. And that will never change. I'll smile and promise me you won't ask questions.

"I try to fight it but I still believe that we were always meant to be. And I can never let you go."

Thank you for loving me. For seeing me through my best and my worst, for giving more than I ever did when nobody would love a broken soul like me who has the world sliced into her skin.

Even in times of trying, you'll always be my wonder wall.

And it will always stay that way.

"Sometimes, the only reason why you don't let go of what's making you sad is because it was the only thing that made you happy."

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. The days have been kind of bad, and I'm not sure if I wanted to fill up this space with negativity and toxic thoughts. But then again, there's really no reason why I shouldn't.

We all come across crossroads at some points in our lives, and I'm not sure if I'm stuck in one now, but I'd like to think so. It too, shall eventually pass. But while I'm still stuck here in circles, I've been the most unproductive on days when I'm home, spending my time overthinking and indulging in what takes the pain away. It feels like I'm choking on air.

What am I even saying.


Maybe it's time for a long run. The only thing on my mind should be how I just have to keep going, even when my lungs ache and it gets harder to breathe.

I'm trying. I really am.

And sometimes, that is not enough.

It's finally the term break!! Or not, since I still have some lessons this week and a ton of assignments and projects to complete. I don't remember ever being this occupied before I got myself into mass comm, and honestly I'm not sure if I embrace this busyness.

I haven't mentioned my poly life much, other than the occasional incessant rants about the never-ending workload. And that means that this is one of my very few blogposts introducing my poly friends? LOL.

So on Tuesday, I met up with Jolaine, one of my very few close friends in mass comm, after we decided that no matter how much work we had, we were going to take some time to chill at a cafe and have a good meal. How Jolaine and I met was really just mere coincidence - Brandon happens to be classmates and close friends with her boyfriend since year 2 started, so we kind of hung out when Brandon and his poly friends met though we weren't that close then. But now that we're in the same class, taking almost the same electives together, we kinda got closer.











We settled on Kilo at Pact based on a couple of Instagram photos and it was a really photo-worthy place! While the food may not exactly be the most aesthetically appealing with all the sprouts and random vegetables, it's actually pretty good? I got myself the pan-seared salmon donburi bowl with sushi rice (you get to choose between sushi rice, brown nice or quinoa) while Jolaine got herself the tempura prawn.
Considering how it's relatively healthy, I pretty like it LOL and the vinegar with the rice really makes everything taste a whole lot better! If you want to be super healthy, you should go with quinoa.

Then there's the drinks (some citrus thing and mocha), and the lemon tart which was meh.

And there will always be room for desserts!! After chatting over our rice bowls and desserts for quite some time, we moved on to have cakes at Lady M, which I've been dying to try in forever?! Their new outlet at Orchard is such a sight.





We got the green tea mille crepe and strawberry short cake, and we loved both. Are we living the tai tai life??

I never really had that many friends in poly, simply because... I am quite the awkward and seemingly cold person. But I'm just awkward most of the time and I am not good with conversations.

Jolaine happens to be the few people I really click with because we have a lot in common? We share a similar sense of humour, have similar job scopes and even boyfriends from the same course LOL. Okay that was quite gay and lame but yeah you get my drift.
Now that there's a first, I guess this means more ventures with her in the near future hehe.

I spent the rest of my Tuesday doing work and catching up with Miao Lin and Trisha over Starbucks/Tiong Bahru Bakery.




As for a couple of hours ago, it's work at Ohvola again but we had an outdoor photoshoot! Omg the Korean model is really such a stunning beau I can't even. Plus, Ohvola's upcoming collection is really impressive I can't wait to get my hands on some of their pieces!! Haha I'm no longer sure if shopping while working is doing my bank any good.

That's pretty much it for the day! I'll be having some kickass plans for the weekends, so till then x.